Sometimes, I like to believe that there’s multiple realities in our universe. Different versions and lives of ours.

And, within these “realities”, there’s one where the life I imagine myself living is present. Everything that I wanted over the years and imagined is all just there. With a very lucky version of myself getting to live it. The dreams of being rich, pretty, well-educated, and successful have all been accomplished. I’m where I want to be in life. And although it is a very desirable and pleasing thought, it doesn’t satisfy me in the way that I thought it would.

Often, there are still a billion other questions carelessly roaming around my head causing me to contemplate the “dream life” that I imagine myself having. What if, in my ideal reality, I’m not happy? What if, in that reality, that’s not what I want? What if, in that reality, nothing is as perfect as it seems? What if, blah, blah, blah.

This chain of questions and curiosity seems never-ending, and the worst part is that I don’t have an answer to anything because, firstly, this idea is all in my head, and secondly, even if the (very bizarre) idea is, somehow, real, I don’t have any control over what happens, more or less do I have any idea of what’s going on in that version of my self’s head. 

But, for whatever reason, I continue to allow myself to indulge in this thought of mine despite all the unanswerable questions I keep to myself. It just brings feelings of joy regardless of the unknowns that constantly eat at me and pick my brain.

When I had returned to this thought one night, I wanted to figure out why it made me so happy. Why it was that this thought was so pleasurable. I asked myself questions and gave processing time to figure myself out. I later concluded that it was a coping mechanism for me to handle the hardships in my life, hoping that one version of myself, whether it was imaginary or “real” in a sense, had the life I imagined myself having. Sometimes even, it was me trying to stay hopeful when life was unfavorable, to remind myself that there could still be success within my life.

When these eye-opening realizations finally occurred to me, I was able to provide myself with some clarity. I realized that it was most important to focus on the life that I had in front of me, the one I was living, because that is the only life that I have, somewhat, control over. It’s the life that is scientifically proven to exist and is the only one where this version of myself is capable of achieving my dreams. I’m of course allowed to dream and fantasize about the life I want to have, but putting two “non-refundable” aspects of my life, time and energy, into creating this perfect, perfect, fantasy of myself all for it to disappear in the future is not worth it. It’s not worth it for my current self, which ponders hours on end about this fantasy, and it isn’t worth it for my future self, which deserves a chance to achieve what it wants to.

Childhood. It’s the time of your life when everyone protects you from the complexities and dangers of the world, yet still allows you to experiment with it, to develop and satiate the overflowing curiosity that a child can have. The adventurous and confident personality that they carry everywhere is constantly being tested alongside their chaoticness and refusal to calm down. They are always fearless of the consequences that something can bring and head dive into anything. This seems to bring them the most happiness and energy even if what they’re attempting fails. They’re not scared of failure. They don’t see imperfections within themselves or others.

Quite often, when they see their reflection, they giggle and are obsessed with it in a way. Their love for others is pure with no bad intent in mind. Their maturity is out the door as is their surroundings. Always jumping, running, playing non-stop, refusing to go inside. And it’s never alone. They have this ability to attract others and create fast friendships, leaving them with good memories to reflect upon, even if they don’t last a lifetime.

The joy and playfulness each one emits is contagious, spreading like wildfire. Their tantrums and upsets cause immense amounts of stress alongside an array of things to their parents but always becomes laughable when remembering them in the future. Probably the most relaxing thing to their parents is the silent car ride home, as they have exhausted all their energy into the latest activity that has been presented to them.

They represent so many of the different goals and accomplishments that people today are working towards achieving. This isn’t saying that we strive to have tantrums and be careless in an immature way, having someone always take care of us. It’s saying that some of these characteristics and abilities like confidence, self-love, curiosity, activeness, and fearlessness are all things that we aspire to have and implement in our lives and situations now, as adults. What strikes my mind now is where did all of it go? These traits? Where did the freedom (in a way) go? We had this ability to do all these things as young kids but today as adults we struggle with. Where did it all go?

Coming soon … Stories!